Five things I am proud of

I am going to follow yo-yo no more 's lead and try a little positive thinking...

Ok so five things I am proud of this week:

1. I got it together to go to the gym a few times, even though it is cold and I was grumpy. It was a good way to feel better in a non-guilty way (i.e. I wasn't thinking at the same time... I really should get back to working on my thesis...).

2. I really did work on my thesis! Including a presentation on cultural scripts using NSM semantics (I haven't done that for years!). On the other side of the coin, I hung in there with the LFG classes, and gained a preliminary understanding of how LFG works.

3. I forgave myself yet again for not meeting the deadlines I had set, beating myself up about it just paralyzes me into inaction.

4. I learned how to knit, (I soon hope to be knitting something that can be worn).

5. I spelled out, kind of 'read', an entire email in Hebrew, and with help from Eyal, wrote back entirely in Hebrew.

Yeah! This is a cool idea! It made me think about lots of things I have done in the last week, thoughts that weren't recriminations!

Happy Easter.

Armidale days

The friendlies of Armidale.

Seeing through hearing

On the weekend a friend and I visited the art gallery. There was an exhibition of Brett Whiteley's works - bold and evocative and beautiful. As we stood and looked and thought, admiring detail, noticing new perspectives or symbolism, two women walked in. They were middle-aged with their arms linked together and I could hear them talking about the paintings. After a minute I realised one of the women was (at least partially) blind. She was carrying a cane with a ball and had a bandaged patch over one eye. From their conversation I could tell she couldn't hear all that well either.

I was so intrigued I couldn't help myself from eavesdropping as they stood in front of various paintings. The sighted woman would start with the title of the painting, then something about its dimensions, then she seemed to pick the most salient point (some of the paintings are so abstract there wasn't an overall 'theme' I suppose) and describe it. She described the colour and the contours, and sometimes the movement, as though she were describing it being created. She would stand in front of each painting and talk softly and continually and then after a while move to the next and start again. The other woman stood as though lost in thought, she didn't ask questions (except sometimes asking for a repeat), she just stood facing the picture listening intently.

There was something so poignant and beautiful about these two people experiencing the paintings together. And I felt inspired and curious, were they art lovers from a long time back? Did the blind woman already 'know' some of the paintings? Why choose to visit an art gallery with your blind friend? It seemed very normal and simple to them both, as though perhaps they did this every week and it wasn't a big deal.

As we left I felt inspired by people in the world and a new wonder at the power of language to provide images for people to savour and interpret.

The small moments

So a bit over two and half years ago Eyal was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. In a way it is what precipitated our relationship in the real world (nothing like fear of death to make you get things done!). He had a tumour the size of a fist in his chest and a smaller one in his liver. After three months chemo he had recovered completely (I don't like the term "in remission" it seems to imply you still have the disease, and that it is just resting).

Thereafter he has had tests every three months (at first), followed by every six months. Every single one of these tests is a reminder to stick your head up and reassess- for a few moments or a few days or weeks you prepare for the possibility that the cancer is back. A parallel life starts to be conceived where our lives instantly relocate to Israel for treatment, we pull back from other tasks in our lives and start to focus intensely on fighting the cancer. In this parallel life we have to consider the possibility of death or of continued sickness. I get a feeling of resolve, and a kind of fluidity about what in my current life I would keep, and what is superfluous. It is the kind of brilliant and cruel exercise that helps keep your house in order, it helps you get ready to mobilise and let go of the non-essential parts of your life.

Today was different to the last times - just a blood test (no PET CT), Eyal knows how to read the results, and he just looks them up on the internet. We were both pretty casual about it, did our best to 'forget'. So this time there was just a couple of minutes while he looked the results up on the internet for us both to mentally prepare. A small moment - an aperture to another life opens - and then closes. The results were normal. We are back on track...
another small celebration,
another landmark,
then off to bed.

The Situation in Gaza

The situation in Gaza has been a fairly big part of our lives the last 16 days. Where Eyal's parents live is in range of the rockets from Hamas for the first time, and gets a few rockets every couple of days. People are rarely hurt in Israel from these rockets, however they are more or less occurring constant in the areas of Israel close to the border of Gaza. Everyone has a bomb shelter in their house. The air-raid siren goes off and you have ( depending on where you live) between 15 and 45 seconds to get to the shelter before the quassam hits. Eyal's family have forty-five seconds.

But 40ks or so south things are much worse. I imagine living in Gaza, especially around Gaza City- your heart is always in your mouth. Your appetite has disappeared... I am not just talking about the civilians- but also the young soldiers- the majority of which are aged between 18-21 and have no choice as to where or when they are working for the army.

Now that some reserve army has also been called into Gaza, most of those people have young families. Like our friend who was visiting for Christmas the last two weeks. The day before he left to fly home, he heard he was being called into reserve duty. He has a baby due in May and a four year old at home. Saying goodbye at the Armidale airport and thinking he was on his way to Gaza was surreal, and horrible.

He didn't go in the end, and is instead doing his reserve duty by doing some work in Europe. From a humanitarian point of view I completely condemn what is happening at the moment, that Hamas continue to fire rockets into Israel- and that Israel continues to kill civilians and restrict access. I am hoping that a real lasting resolution, some kind of ceasefire which has the attention of neighbouring countries, Europe and the USA will come into existence. And there might be a hope of a good future for those living in Gaza, and also in Israel. yes we can...


Here is an email Eyal sent to some friends in Israel ( who are constantly discussing such issues).

....................................................


when you are walking out in the bush and you discover that you made an error in navigating, do you turn back or continue walking in the wrong direction?

To be honest, I'm not confident that it is possible.
But I am confident that the current direction only leads to more violence and to life in the region becoming worse as time moves on.
How can it be reversed?
One way is for Israeli leaders to find the courage to tell Israelis the truth - that we have unlawfully and immorally kept the west bank and Gaza and the people living there under military rule.
That we have in fact been engaged in establishing an Apartheid rule in the occupied territories where some people are protected by law and are allowed to vote, and some people are non-people - they get no voice, they have limited rights, they are not protected against the law. That Israel has illegally been settling its citizens in occupied territories conquered by war.
Say the Truth, boldly, and then reach for an historic settlement with the Palestinians. We all know what such a settlement would look like, in general terms. The details are negotiable.

The Palestinian leaders would have to be brave enough to say to their people - using violence on innocent civilians was a mistake. It has delayed our freedom. It has brought suffering and pain to both sides on a larger scale then the occupation in itself was capable of. They have to be brave enough to agree to give up the aspirations of ever returning to the 1948 villages in return for a future that is not full of war and hatred, a future of peaceful coexistence and cooperation. They have to choose life alongside Israel over death and martyrdom.

And the leaders and people of both sides have to be brave enough to say to themselves and to the world - yes we can.

............................................................

Eyal leaves for Israel on Wednesday for six weeks. Luckily he has been discharged from the army- so at least in that way he will be safe. But neither of us are safe anymore from feeling the sickness and fear of war, of seeing our loved ones leave the skype computer screen and head for the bomb shelter, surreal and horrible.

Impressions of Australia

Over the last year or so my husband has lived in rural Australia. Here are some of his impressions of Australia (he listed them to me).

Firstly, always be prepared with beer in the fridge- or if you are visiting someone, even if it seems unlikely, bring a six-pack just in case (conclusion: Australians are always happy if you arrive with beer or can offer them one).

Secondly, drink tea. He has taken a liking to Lady Grey, however we have been through Earl Grey, Orange Pekoe and 'normal' black tea. Also one must know how to make tea ( i.e. you must stir the milk and usually remove the teabag).

When you visit someone, it is rarely for an hour or a cup of tea, more usually you will have driven for three hours and you will be spending the night, or perhaps days with them (especially family). When people say they will come and visit they often mean they will stay for a few days (because it is so far to travel in the first place). This is a good thing, and means people are used to welcoming visitors into their home for extended periods.

Buy a pair if blundstones, or some shoes that you can work in, walk through mud and wet ground in and you can easily take off when you get to the door.

There maybe at any time a green tree frog in the toilet or the letterbox or some other disconcerting place.

When people say it is 'a bit cold' or a 'bit of a worry' or they feel a 'bit unwell'- they are understating the fact. Understatement is the name of the game.

Australians don't say NO very often (unlike Israelis!), they don't like to be flatly contradicted.

Australians don't mind stopping to help other people, or taking responsibility for a problem if it arises in a public place (e.g. taking trees off the road etc.).

There is a reason to have a four-wheel drive car.

Learn about spiders and snakes (don't touch them).

Four channels is enough.

Everything closes early (especially restaurants).

That is all for the moment!

Arriving Home

I just had the strangest sensation of arriving home. I have been pottering around the house, sorting through letters and bills and cards, listening to the rain and drinking tea - and I had the feeling that I had finally unwound and arrived.

It was as though each weekend I have been struggling to finish unpacking.. pay bills.. read enough.. write enough... buy nice food, catch up with family etc. etc. like I was only just keeping my (our) heads above water. Almost suddenly everything feels peaceful and complete. I cant remember the last time I lived in the same house for more than 3 or six months, where I wasn't always trying to explain to institutions that I don't know what address they would have for me (mums? dads? Ngukurr? Armidale? New Mexico? Santa Barbara?) and I don't know how they can contact my last real estate agent...

Sigh

Some contributions to this feeling include: finding somewhere to buy bulk delicious honey AND having clean washed dry jars to put it in - to having a fridge big enough to hold lots of veggies - of having fresh cut flowers on the table - finding some incense I like - organising all my music and a way to listen to it - clearing up my computer desktop - the wedding being over - the rain - making my lunch for uni everyday and having everything I need in the kitchen - joining the local library - having the address where I really live on my license - of feeling like I am taking good care of myself - that I have time to sit and talk with friends on the phone or otherwise - of feeling like we have some really good friends in Armidale - getting a massage - playing team sports regularly. And certainly not least, having an office of my own where, for once, I sat for 6 hours straight and worked, and felt like I wrote something substantial and well researched and interesting.

I feel like I am finally at rest and ready for the next six months (finishing my PhD).

Yeah!